DelPenn Diaries
Equinics Flame Trail - From Atlanta, Georgia to Raleigh, North Carolina

I had no idea what to expect from this journey. The Del Penn crew, I was informed, is to pick up the Equinics Flame somewhere in or around Atlanta on June 28 and get it to Raleigh, North Carolina by July 1. The message had come down from the inimitable Stretch, who is pretty much Jackson to Revelation's Lee. Or so I thought. Turns out he's more like Clemenza to rev's Vito Corleone.

"How we doing this. Stretch?" I asked him.

"Don't ask questions. Just get your butt to Atlanta on the 28th. You'll figure it out. Find us, you'll find the Flame. Don't disappoint me," came the reply.

"But Stretch, Atlanta is a big place. You just want me to show up? Where the hell am I supposed to find you guys?" I queried.

"Just shut your yap. Just get there. Don't bring a car. Bring some gear for the Outback. We're roughing it to Raleigh," he said.

"Roughing it? What the hell does that mean? I don't want to rough it. I'm with TA on this whole thing. I still want to boycott the whole Equinics. I don't want anything to do with this Flame," I told him.

"You're going," growled Stretch. "You have to."

"And if I say no?"

"Then I'll make you an offer you can't refuse."

"Such as?" I inquired.

"Put it this way," said Stretch. "Rev has told me to take any means possible to get the crew there to transport the Flame. Any means. With regards to you, he told me that if you refuse, I should refresh your memory a bit."

"Refresh my memory?"

"Yes," he said. "Have you seen The Godfather?"

"Of course, I have," I replied. "What the hell does that have to do with this?"

"Remember the movie producer, Jack Woltz?" I could hear Stretch laughing in a crazy way over the phone. It was a sinister sort of laugh, the kind that makes one queasy.

"Sure, I remember him. He was the guy that screwed Johnny Fontane after Johnny Fontane screwed one of his big stars. Didn't they cut his prize stallion's head off?" I asked.

"They sure did," said Stretch.

Silence on the line. I waited for Stretch to say anything, something. Nothing came for about 30 seconds, which seemed like a veritable eternity.

"Stretch? You still there?"

"Sure am," he growled. "By the way, how's Eruption doing?"

I was surprised by this. I couldn't figure out what he was getting at. "He's fine, I guess. I haven't seen him in a while. I'm letting somebody else train him until the Equinics. I get him back before then, and then, if I decide not to boycott, I may choose to run him."

"Yeah, right," said Stretch. "We all know of your stupid plan, giving that horse to someone else for a few months. You're a real idiot. Here, I've got someone who wants to say hello."

A voice I recognized as Understell got on the phone. "AFC, just do as he says, OK? I can't talk much. They've got this wire around my neck right now and they say if you don't cooperate, they're going to get some big fat guy named Fatattack to choke me to death. I think they're serious."

Before I could respond, I could hear Stretch in the background. "That's enough, numbnuts. Gimme back that phone. Go back in the corner and put your dunce cap back on, Understell."

"Stretch?" I said. "Is that it? You'll kill him if I don't comply?"

Stretch laughed. "Of course not, you moron. We know you won't care about that. But if we have Understell, well, we also have this nice bay colt - I think he belongs to you - sitting outside. He's a real nice little fellow. Looks like a real runner. Very kind. Let's you pat his neck all the time. Really loves it. In fact, you can even put something on his neck and he won't even resist. Shame to have to take something like that away from somebody."

"What are you getting at, Stretch?" This was getting worrisome.

"Go watch The Godfather right now," he said. "You won't get the chance to boycott the Equinics if you don't comply with our demands now. Headless horses are not permitted to run - Mr. Woltz." I could hear him laughing uncontrollably now in the background. "And remember by crackey, I'm crazy. Want me to show you?" The laughing reached a fever pitch.

So, apparently, with the Crew holding Eruption hostage, I grudgingly acceeded to Stretch's flaming cesspool of desires. "OK, OK, I'll do it. Where do I meet you?" I asked, resigned to the fact that I had no choice if I wanted my best steed back in something other than two very large pieces.

"Just go to Atlanta. You'll find us from there. Trust me on this one. And another thing," Stretch added.

"Like this isn't enough?" I asked.

"You're writing the Equinics diary for this trip. Rev says you have to. He's the boss. Don't insult his intelligence. And remember, we're roughing it to Raleigh."

And with that, the phone line went suddenly silent.

June 28- Off To Atlanta

I packed as well as I could for "roughing it."  Whatever that was supposed to mean. A few pairs of jeans, some tee shirts, toiletries and other bare nessecities. Cripes, this was awful. The guys from EWC, they get to fly all over the place in chartered jets, check out some new and fascinating places overseas, and I get to rough it through the backwoods of the North Carolina mountains with a bunch of lunatics? Screw The Godfather.  I popped in the DVD of Deliverance since I figured that this whole damn trip may turn into some sort of outdoor survivalist exercise against a wild bunch of sex starved mountain men and I thought I might have to learn to squeal like a pig to save my hide.

I hopped over to the local Amtrak station and purchased a one way ticket to Atlanta. No wonder Amtrak is going broke. I could have chartered the Concorde for less money. I settled into the Bar Car and decided that the best way to handle things would be to get very drunk. So I plopped down a twenty and prepared to pay Yankee Stadium type prices for a watered down Tanqueray and Tonic - which is exactly what I got. After a few of those stomach wringing concoctions, I went back to the sleeper car, pulled the covers over my head, and tried to fall asleep to the rythmic rocking of the big train. To no avail, of course. So many questions. So little time to ponder them. The trip for me was only about six hours and in that time I had to figure out a way to find a bunch of wackos somewhere in Atlanta, which is a pretty large place. And that was only the beginning. After I found them, if I ever did, I then had to figure out a way to survive for three days in the wild with them. This was going to be tricky.

With the ill intentions of the evil Stretch flying through my mind, the trip took only what seemed like 30 or so minutes. I was startled into an awakened state by the conductor bellowing, "NEXT STOP, HOTLANTA, GEORGIUUUUUHHHHHHHH!"

I detrained (can you call it "detrained"? After all, you "deplane", right? But do you "decar" or "debike" or "deboat"? Never made much sense to me or George Carlin either), and looked around at the surrounding metro Atlanta area. Just find them, I thought. Yeah, right. What a frigging crock of BS. Like I'm really going to find these clowns.

As I scanned the skyline, I looked to the West and saw this huge plume of smoke coming from that general direction. Sirens were wailing in the distance. Someone, I could tell from my vast knowledge of the history of Native Americans, was stupid enough to use the smoke to send up some smoke symbols. That had to be it. Only the Del Penn lunatics could create such a disaster and turn it into their advantage.

I hopped a cab and asked the cabbie to drive me to the fire.  He turned his turbin shrouded head to me and said, "Jou bant to go bear?"

"What? I'm not taking my clothes off, you psycho. Just drive."

"I say nothing about your dresses," he said. "Jou juss tell me bear you bant to go."

"Just drive to the fire."

"Ahh, de flames. OK, bery simple for me. Juss like my native Baghdad, which you infidels have turned into a pile of great shomking ruins. That bill be bery ease for myself."

The sweet stench of native Middle Eastern body odor filled the car. Obviously, he wore Au Natural deodorant. I rolled down a window.

"Do not adjust the windows, infidel. It is against the laws of the Koran and Islam which I practice. My Allah says I am allowed to kill you if you continue to behave in such a disrespetful manner, you Zionist pig."

The window went back up. These people are crazy, you know. The car jockeyed back and forth through traffic. This guy must have been an outstanding camel jockey at some point in his life. We arrived at the fire. Turner Field was ablaze.

"Ahh, I see how my brothers have struck again at the heart of the Infidels. We kill your America's Team, the Atlanta Braves. I will have many virgins for this tonight with my brothers, too. Maybe they will have me. You will now give me twelve American dollars, which I will soonly send back to my friends in Pakistan to give to Osama- oops, I mean to build the new school for all the young children the infidels are trying to slaughter."

I gave him the fare and tossed him three dollars for a tip, which I suggested he use to purchase some Old Spice.

"Old Spice. Yes, infidel, I know of this. Thank you bery much. I know of an Islamic way to turn this Oldest Spice into C4 explosive. You are not such a Zionist pig after all. You are now all helping my brothers and I to make the glory of Allah. Death to America!" he yelled as he sped off.

I wandered around Turner Field. The place was a mess. Smoke was billowing out of the place, but the stands, the superstructure of the place seemed just fine. Turns out it was just a big grass fire. I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around. Leering at me was none other than Stretch.

"Told you you'd find us," he said.

"What the hell are you guys doing? Did you set Turner Field on fire?" I asked.

"Yeah, we did. Unintentional, of course. We picked up the Flame from the Friends crew here. They wanted to see a game. The Avenger is here. He wanted to run the basepaths with the Flame. Problem is, he had about ten too many Crown Royals before he staggered out there. He made it to halfway between second and third and then pulled a Keith Hernandez 'I ripped my hamstring in half' flop. The Flame went flying into the outfield and the grass caught fire. But we made the best of it and whirlwind went out there and tried to send you some smoke signals. He knew you would naturally respond to something like 'we're down here, jackass', and sure enough, here you are!"

I asked Stretch what the plan was. "Come this way," he said. "The Crew is all here. It's time to get going."

We walked out to the parking lot, while firefighters continued to pour into the stadium. "Where's our ride, Stretch? And where's the Flame?"

Stretch said, "TA's still got it. He won't let go of it. He's convinced he can turn it into a giant flask for Crown Royal and he's busy trying to drill a hole in the handle to do so." For some reason, I blindly followed this insane little man out through the vast parking fields. I asked him along the way who was accompanying us.

"Well, TA, obviously. And whirlwind, of course. Mikehusker is here and fatattack came with us, too. Morrissey is here as well and he was kind enough to provide the transportation."

"No Revelation?" I queried.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, idiot. Jerry cannot be associated with such sullen activity like this. Not in person, at least. But he has a say in everything we do." Stretch looked up at the sky and stopped. Staring blankly up at the heavens filled with light gray smoke, he turned finally and looked at me, proclaiming, "I will go to Hell for that man. His wish is my command."

We continued to proceed out of the parking lot. Past all the cars. I wondered aloud to Stretch where we were going.

"Over there. See them?"

"See what?" I asked. I saw eight donkeys and a goat standing and hee hawing amongst themselves and nothing else.

"There!" Stretch exclaimed. "The horses! That's our transportation!"

"Stretch, they're not horses. Those are mules. And what's with the goat?"

"Bite your tongue numbnuts or you'll be sleeping with the fishes soon enough," Stretch growled. "Them are horses. Morrissey's finest. That one over there, the one with the dried manure all over him, that's Java Brew. Fine piece of flesh, isn't he? If you behave, Mo might let you ride him to Raleigh. The goat? Well, that's another story. You'll learn about the purpose of the goat in good time. She belongs to mikehusker and her name is 'Visa'. Husker never leaves home without her."

"They are MULES, Stretch!" I shouted.

"Mules, horses, what the hell difference does it make? We all got a bunch of 'em anyways. You too. How the hell do you figure we finished dead last in the Equinics last time anyways? You think we sent horses to those races, you putz? We sent MULES. Just like we'll send this year. See, that's the beauty of the sim. You can't really see or feel what you've got. You get a big winner, he's a big, beautiful Black Stallion. You get a piece of crap, he's a mule. Plain and simple. And Mo, well, lately, he's got a lot of mules. But, you know, one man's mules be another man's White Horses. Or something like that." I didn't pretend to understand, but strangely, I think I did in a roundabout sort of way.

"Anyways, we gotta get this Flame to Raleigh, so we better saddle up," Stretch said. "This was rev's idea. He thought it would be a nice touch if we rode the Flame to Raleigh on horseback. So he sent Whirlwind and Mo packing from Joisey with some of Mo's finest to get us there."

"Hey, Stretch, why are there eight mules, er, ahh, I mean horses here? There's only seven of us," I asked.

"We're meeting someone in the mountains," Stretch replied.

I was afraid to ask. Meeting a Mountain Man. God, was I glad I watched Deliverance. "What? Are you kidding?" I asked.

"Nope," replied Stretch. "Remember TS aka Dave? Banned a couple of years ago for bad message board behavior?"

Oh, God. "Yeah," I replied sheepishly.

"Well, Ts only told everybody that he moved to Vegas to save face. He really moved to the mountains of North Carolina with a bunch of his cousins and sisters. Started some sort of wacko cult or something where they believe only in inbreeding and the furthering of their own genetic makeup. They're sort of hostile from what I've heard. Whatever. Hoss-style, doggie style, whatever trips your trigger. Don't matter much to me. But Jerry wants us to try and get him out of there. We're picking him up there. Let's go," said Stretch.

Oh, no. Could this possibly get any uglier?

June 29  The Journey to Raleigh Begins

We "saddled up" Morrissey's band of mules, er, horses and started on our way. I had no idea where we were going. Up front, Stretch had pulled out a compass.

"OK, fellas, we head due north into the Blue Ridge Mountains. When we get there, we'll find TS. He says he'll give us a sign."

"Sign?" I asked. "What kind of sign?"

"Don't worry," said Mo. "TS said he'd leave us a trail of Chex Mix to follow to his place up there. Apparently, it's all he and his family are allowed to eat."

We headed up toward North Carolina. Traveling straight through the day and night. It was a brutal haul but we had little choice. We were behind schedule with the Flame. And all of us were scared to death to disappoint Don Vito, err, Revelation. It was a hot day and we stopped frequently to water the mules. Visa the goat tagged along lovingly right beside Husker's mule. Meanwhile, we had to make some unscheduled stops along the way as The Avenger kept falling off his horse. He continually tried to ride with no hands. Both were busy fondling the Flame and trying to carve a hole in the handle for his new, modern Crown Royal flask.

Moving like Lee's army fleeing the burning Atlanta, we made pretty good time up to the mountains. By nightfall, we had made it to the Blue Ridge Mountains and now, despite Stretch's claims to the contrary, I felt we were totally and completely lost. We continued on past nightfall, with the light of the Flame guiding us. Whirlwind had managed to pry it away from TA and was leading the crew through the darkness by the light of the Equinic Flame.

I found out a few things on that trip. One, this whole thing made absolutely no sense. We could have done this like civilized humans, but no - we had to "rough it." Two, if you're going to be lost in the wild with a bunch of strangers, the Del Penn crew is a pretty good bunch to get lost with. If nothing else, they are very resourceful as I was soon to find out. And finally, I learned that Java Brew is one very smart horse. Mule that he might be from time to time, that little SOB is sharp.

We made idle conversation during the journey through the mountains, with me following directly behind Morrissey and Java Brew. Husker and Visa brought up the rear behind us. It was, apparently, the place Husker felt most comfortable because on race days he usually only ever gets to see his competition's behinds. I couldn't resist tossing a few arrows at Mo and Java Brew. "Hey, Mo, when you gonna get that little piece of dung Java Brew to ever win another race?"

Mo didn't say a word. He glared and then laughed. Suddenly, Java Brew's tail rose up and he blasted me with one of the nastiest methane streams I had ever experienced. Gotta give him credit - he never broke stride during what was a tremendous effort.

"WOW!!!!!!! Mo, what the hell are you feeding that guy? Kerosene? Dead animals? Rotting fish? Geez, find me some oxygen or something!"

TA glanced toward the back. "Be careful what you say about Brew, afc," he told me. "That horse has an evil mind. And an evil rear end as you just found out."

Husker called up to the front of the pack. "You guys think you can lighten it up a bit up there? Visa is choking from Brew's fumes back here."

"Oh, come on, TA. You're joking. There's no way Java Brew can understand I was busting on him. It's a MULE, er, a HORSE, for chrissakes," I responded.

Mo turned and glared. "Think so?" he asked. "Try it again."

"HEY BREW, YOU SUCK!" I screamed.

Up goes the tail. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!! This time, I nearly got knocked off my mule.

"Hey!" Husker yelled. "Lighten up! One more of those blasts and Visa is gonna need a respirator!"

Mo cackled. "Want to try it again?"

"No way," I responded. I was a believer.  "Hey, Mo, why can't you get him to do that when he races? He'd kill the field - literally. And since he is a front runner, he could effectively suck up all the oxygen for the horses behind them. He'd be unbeatable."

"I tried," said Mo. "He can't do it when he's running. But after his losses - and there's been several - he's so pissed when he gets back to the barn that we just stay as far away from his stall as we can. He stinks the whole place up. Literally. But he's smart enough that when he wins. Presto! He smells like a rose."

Turns out Mo named Java Brew for his ability to practically pass flatus on command. Seems he gave him some coffee as a yearling and after the concoction "brewed" in his intestines for a bit - voila! Out came this mercurial blast of stench. Hence, the name. Java Brew. It all made perfect sense. We continued up into the mountains, shrouded by darkness.

"OK," stretch ordered. "We'll set up camp here for the night."

The seven of us went out and gathered some old logs and twigs to build a fire. Visa primped and preened herself, obviously waiting for her Master, Mikehusker, to return to his brothel, er, ahh, tent. We sat around the campfire roasting weenies and marshmallows. TA feverishly worked on the Flame, busily carving away at the base with his Swiss Army knife, digging out an Equinic Flask for Crown Royal. The rest of us recanted some of the high points of the long history of Del Penn. The discussion lasted about 90 seconds. Then, we ran out of high points. Somebody suggested we beat the tar out of Whirlwind, the lone liberal in the group, and leave him as food for the wild animals of the Blue Ridge.

"Cut it out," said Stretch. "We need whirlwind, even if he is Satan reincarnated. Jerry says we must have him on this trip. God had his Apostles. Jerry has us."

Ouch. Poor Rev is in trouble.

We were about to bunk down for the night, when suddenly a loud scream came out of the darkness. It was high pitched and then changed to a low, deep, rumbling growl.

"What the hell was that?" asked Fatattack.

The scream came again. Closer this time.

"Don't know," said Mo. "Could be Muslim extremists."

"Out here?" I asked. "Sure. What the hell would they be doing out here?"

The scream pierced the air once more. Very close this time. By now, we were getting worried. Visa was fidgeting, which had Mikehusker upset. "We gotta find out what that is," he said. "Visa is getting too nervous. She can't perform when she's upset."

"Mountain Lion."

What? "Who said that?" Mo asked.

"Mountain Lion. Felis canus or something like that. I recognize it from my extensive nighttime viewing of National Geographic." It was TA. He had put down the Flame and was cocking his ear towards the heavens, listening acutely between slugs of Crown Royal.

"Mountain lion?" I yelled. "Who's got a gun?"

"Shut up, you idiot," Stretch replied. "You really think I was going to let any of you lunatics bring a gun up here?"

The scream came again. It seemed like it was right on top of us.

"Come on guys," husker said pleadingly. "Visa's really wound. When she gets like this, she gets all sweaty and then her coat gets matted. I just find that too...unattractive for my tastes. Do something!"

A deep growl penetrated the air. We turned and looked. And there he was.

The big cat was poised on his haunches, a mere twenty or so feet from us. His muscles rippled in the flickering light tossed off by the Flame. His eyes glinted an evil shade of yellow gold. His bare fangs glistened in the dim light. He meant business.

"Wait! I got it!" yelled fats.

"Got what?" whirlwind asked. "A cannon?"

"No! JAVA BREW!!!!!" Fats ran up and grabbed Brew's halter. He swung him around so that he was facing away from the big cat.

"Hey! What the hell are you doing?" Morrisey yelled. "You ain't feeding my horse to that animal!"

"Don't worry!" replied fats. "TA, bring that Flame over here!"

TA staggered over to fats, bringing the Flame with him. "Don't wreck my flask, fats. Let the damn horse die first. You lose my Crown, I'll kill you faster than that cat will."

"I know what I'm doing," said fats. "Just get ready to drop the Flame when I tell you to."

TA held the Flame up over Brew's hindquarters. The mountain lion crouched low and slowly approached, continuing with the deep, low rumbling growl.

"BREW YOU SUCK!!!!!!!" screamed Fats. "Now, TA! Drop the Flame!"

The lion pounced as soon as he saw Brew's tail rise. He was flying through the air in slow motion and we all cringed as Brew's fate seemed certain. TA dropped the Flame. The huge flickering flame passed right behind Java Brew's formidable rump.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And with that, the Flame ignited the deadly methane blast as it powered it's way out of Java Brew's rear, nailing the cat in mid flight. Screaming the cry of the damned, the flaming mountain lion turned and raced back to the safety of the dark, clearly feeling the full rage of Java Brew's deadly concoction. We all sighed a deep breath of relief. Java Brew - he may not be a big winner, but he's got talent that just cannot be measured in wins. We nodded off to sleep. Safe, with the knowledge that the Flame had saved us with a big assist from Java Brew.

 June 30   The Voyage Continues- Meet Snaggletooth and the Rattler

We awoke remarkably only a little worse for wear after the terrifying encounter with the mountain lion. Everybody was in good spirits, especially Mikehusker. Seems that Visa the goat had settled down nicely after the fabulous, fortunate, fortuitous, fantastic flying flaming flatus performance of Java Brew for a nice night with Husker. We still had a bit of a fire going as the morning dew settled on the mossy ground of the forest. We took the opportunity to fire up some bacon and eggs and made a fresh pot of coffee. Java Brew got a sizable serving of the latter, in effect loading his rectal gun just in case the mountain lion returned.

"Too bad we didn't have a guinea pig with us last night," joked whirlwind. "We could have used it to load up Brew. He'd have fired that thing out of there like a missle and we'd be dining on roasted mountain lion tonight."

We took some time to ponder the opportunity that the Equinics posed for Del Penn. Would we go and face almost certain sim wide embarrasment again? Or would we, as TA wanted, boycott? Most of us bickered amongst ourselves, with the exception of Husker and Stretch. Stretch just sat there with an annoyed look on his face and Husker was too busy cooing at Visa to care.

Mo was on the fence about a boycott. Whirlwind the same. I was in between, since I really wanted to run at least a couple of horses. Fats was squarely in favor of going. He was carrying on about having a chip on his shoulder the size of the Rock of Gibraltar and how he wanted to go just to pound the crap out of the opposition. TA continued to mumble "boycott" between slugs of Crown. By this time, I must admit, the Flame had been fashioned into a flask the likes of which had never before been seen. TA had hollowed it out perfectly, and he could fit an entire half-gallon of Crown Royal in it. He even had a special dispenser cap that he had made out of a piece of wood so that when he cocked the Flame Flask to his mouth, it would dispense a perfect shot of the nectar each and every time. "You see, this is the only thing the Equinics is useful for, in my humble opinion," TA mused. "An exotic flask like this would cost me thousands. I got this for FREE! Never mind running in the races - I got what I wanted from the Equinics already." He lovingly cradled his Flame Flask creation.

Finally, Stretch could take no more. "Shut the hell up, you morons. You ain't boycotting anything. Rev says we will go to the Equinics and he says we will field a strong team. Or else." Once more, Stretch looked up to the sky. "Oh, mighty REV, I give my last breath for thee!" Then he turned back to us, and gave us all a menacing glare. "And if it's my last breath, it's gonna be yours too. All of you. You're going. Husker, try to pay attention here, OK? Get your mind off that goat or sheep or whatever the hell it is."

Husker looked up and smiled. There was a piece of something hanging from the corner of his mouth. It looked like wool.

"Husker, what the hell is that?" laughed Mo.

Husker picked the piece of yarn from between his teeth and looked a Visa with a flushed face. "Just a piece of wool, I guess." Visa cooed approvingly.

"Husker!" Stretch yelled. "I told you to keep that stuff with the goat out of this trip! You couldn't lay off for just three days?"

"I tried," Husker said sheepishly. "She's just...well...irresistible."

We were all laughing uncontrollably at Husker and Visa. They were slightly embarrassed. Mo came out of his tent with a big piece of plastic. "See this, Husker?" he asked. "My fake PLASTIC LOVE! I blow her up, she does her thing and then I let the air out of her. Presto. No mess. No wool in the teeth. You oughta get one of these!"

"IDIOTS!!!!" Stretch bellowed. "ALL OF YOU!!! IDIOTS!!!!! Plastic blow up dolls, sheep, goats...UNBELIEVABLE!!!! We have a job to do here and we're gonna do it! Put all your little toys - live or dead - away and SADDLE UP NOW!!!! We have to find TS."

With that, all of us fairly unruffled by our hedonistic behavior, we packed up camp and got on our way through the mountains. It was another hot day and the journey was tough. Mo's mules were clearly feeling the strain and they were weakening faster than they usually do in the stretch on race day. We needed a break. We needed a rest. We needed to find TS fast. Visa was struggling along, clearly exhausted from her jaunt with Husker the night before as well as the smothering heat. She was walking with her head down when she suddenly stopped.

"Wait!" cried Husker. "Something's wrong with Visa! We gotta stop now!"

"Damn you, Husker," Stretch shot back. "I told you to leave that goat at home. What are we gonna do now?"

TA dismounted to check on Visa. "Hey, there's nothing wrong with her. She's eating something!"

Whirlwind whirled over. "IT'S CHEX MIX!!!!!!WE'VE FOUND THE WAY TO TS!!!!!"

Husker looked over at Stretch. "There! You happy now? Without Visa, we'd be looking for TS for days up here in the woods."

Stretch was unimpressed. "Yeah, yeah. So she did something good for us instead of just for you. It's about time."

Now that we had found the Chex Mix trail, we could find our way to TS's place in the mountains, get a good night of rest and grub, and be on our way to Raleigh on time. What luck! Visa doggedly followed the trail for what seemed like miles, gorging herself on Chex Mix, an appetite clearly unfulfilled by the prior night's tryst with Husker. She was voracious, a four legged wool covered eating machine. After what seemed like hours, we arrived at a makeshift wooden lean-to. A couple of filthy people were sitting around chewing tobacco.

Stretch walked up to a hairy Sasquatch-like figure.

"TS?"

"Stretch! Glad you could find us!" It was obviously the notorious TS, aka Dave, banned forever because of bad message board etiquette or lack thereof.

"Good thing you found us," Ts said in a wise tone. "The rest of the clan is out hunting. They'll drag back anything. Deer, raccoons, people, anything. They're a pretty unruly bunch."

"What about that one?" Stretch said, pointing to what appeared to be a humanoid female.

"Oh, her? She's pretty worthless. None of the others will have anything to do with her." TS motioned to the humanoid and she came over to us.

"Boys, I'd like you to meet Snaggletooth."

She was fairly hideous and when she smiled, we all recoiled in horror. She was missing all of her front teeth and her bicuspids stuck out like little fangs at each side of the gap. Snaggletooth, indeed.

"That's enough, Snaggletooth," Ts said. "Put 'em away. You're scaring our guests."

TS went on to tell us about his little commune and told us the strange story of Snaggletooth. She apparently had a chance encounter with a bear as a youngster and while she tangled with the wild beast she lost all of her front teeth, chewing it to death. "The others won't breed with her now," TS sighed. "They're a bit afraid of her. Rightfully so, I suppose. So she sticks around here with me while the rest tend to chores during the day."

We set up camp at TS's place and spent the night trying to convince him to come with us. He resisted all of our efforts. TS explained that after the banishment it would be too submissive for him to accept punishment and return with us. We were all a bit saddened. TS really livened the place up while he was there.

After dining on some various wild fowl, the likes of which we hoped we never would have to taste again, we all retired for the night to our respective tents. We needed a little rest.

But rest would be fleeting. In the middle of the night, we were awakened by a frightful scream from Fats' tent.
We all raced over. Stretch jumped into the tent. "Fats! What's wrong?"

Fats was curled up in the fetal position, writhing in pain, clutching his loins. Husker looked aghast. "WHERE'S VISA? DID YOU HURT MY GOAT, FATS????"

Fats managed to get out some words between his pained gasps. "I don't want the goat, Husker! Are you nuts? Something bit me!"

"Bit you?" TA asked. "What?"

TS tossed his axe violently to the ground. He reached over and picked up the severed body of a large rattlesnake. "This bit him," he said. "Rattler. Fairly deadly, unless treated quickly."

Mo peered in. "Where did it bite you Fats?"

"You won't believe this," Fats moaned. It bit my, my, my..."

"Arm?" asked Stretch.

"NO!"

"Leg?" asked whirlwind.

"NO!"

"Torso?" I asked.

"NO!"

"Head?" asked TA.

"SORT OF!" came Fats' reply.

Husker looked in, obviously as puzzled by Fats' response as the rest of us were.  "Fats, how could it have 'sort of' bit your head? Either it did or it didn't."

"It didn't bite my head that's at the top of my body sort of thing," moaned Fats.

Stretch was puzzled. "Well, what the hell does that..." His voice trailed off. His face turned ashen. Instinctively, as all men will do when the third baseman takes a screaming liner in the crotch, he made that special grimace, clutched his groin and buckled his knees.

"NO!" TA shouted.

"YES!" Fats yelled.

"NO WAY!" howled Mo.

"WAY!!! BIG STINKING WAY, FELLAS!" cried Fats.

Stretch remained confused. "It bit your head? THAT head? As in, rhymes with Venus sort of head?"

"BINGO!" Fats shot back.

Disaster had struck. Our top dog, a two time Del Penn Hall of Fame trainer, had fallen victim to the Rattler's bite in the most crucial of spots. What were we to do?

"AFC! You're a doctor! Do something!" Stretch demanded.

"Hey," I said, "All I can do is surgically remove the bitten area. I'm not up to speed on treating rattlesnake bites."

"Surgically REMOVE it?" Fats yelled. "Are you nuts????? I'd rather die first!"

TS looked in on our dire situation. "Well, we have a backwoods remedy we use for these sort of things. I've been told it works quite well."

Stretch was frantic. "TS, you have to help us. Without Fats, we have no chance in the Equinics. Jerry will have a fit. You must tell us the cure!"

"Well," TS went on, "It's kind of extreme. But it might work." He bent over and examined the area. "See the bite marks? Well, as you can see, there are four of them here in the shape of a square. If you make an 'X' between the holes with a small blade, you can then suck the poison out of the, um, organ? Supposedly works all the time."

Stretch recoiled in horror. His face turned ashen. He tried to say something to Fats.

"What, Stretch?" Fats moaned, "What did you say?"

Stretch straightened up and looked at us. Each of us shook our heads empahtically, NO. We all liked Fats, but not quite that much. Stretch leaned over and said to Fats, "Fats, TS says you're gonna die. There's nothing we can do."

"Wait!" TS exclaimed. "I've got it! Snaggletooth, get over here!"

It was perfect. The pointy bicuspids would fit the wound perfectly. You wouldn't even have to make an 'X' with a knife.

"Snaggletooth, you've been a perfect waste of life for your entire life. Here's your chance to do something miraculous. The others would even play reindeer games with you if you could possibly pull this off. You could be a hero!" TS explained to the nodding, smiling Snaggletooth.

Snaggletooth entered the tent. We could hear Fats trying desperately to fight her off but the killer of the bear would have none of it. She simply overpowered poor Fats and went about her sullen business by the light of the Equinics Flame with a certain amount of purpose mixed in with a tad of pleasure. Snaggletooth was victorious and her worth was restored.

After an hour or so, a subdued Fats emerged from the tent none worse for wear. He looked at us and said, "If you guys tell anybody about this, I'll kill all of you."

We all nodded off to a fitful night of sleep. How could we tell anyone? Who would believe us, anyway? But how could it be left out of the Diary? One more day, that's all we had to survive with the Flame. After what we'd been through. What else could possibly go worng?

July 1 - On to Raleigh!

Having survived a near mauling by a mountain lion, a night with Snaggletooth and the Incest Is Best crew of TS, not to mention the fateful bite of the Rattler on poor Fats, we were finally rested. It was time to move on to Raleigh and dispose of the Flame. I must admit, though, it had served us well. It ignited the methane stream that fended off the wild big cat. It had guided us through the mountains and it had allowed Snaggletooth to find Fat's mini-manhood and save him from death. No way could Snaggletooth have ever found something that small in total darkness. The Equinics Flame had made it all possible. And, of course, the Flame was now the most sought after fancy Crown Royal flask in the enitre world, courtesy of a non-stop never say die effort by The Avenger.

We descended out of the mountains and onto the flat plains of North Carolina in mid-day and headed full steam to Raleigh. We were smart enough to make Mo and Java Brew bring up the rear on this leg of the trip since there were no more imminent threats from wild animals and nobody dared ride behind Brew, not after the gallon or two of coffee we had fed him prior to departing TS's camp.

It was, for all of us, a bit saddening when we left TS. He had always been such a big part of Del Penn and now, he had relegated himself to a life in the wild where he could be left untarnished, never again having to fret about political correctness on the message board. I thought I saw a tear in TS' eyes as he waved farewell to us with the beaming Snaggletooth standing by his side.

There was ample time to contemplate this year's Del Penn contingent for the Equinics. After the pummeling we had taken last time, we were all resolved to make amends this time around, especially Fats. He's coming to the Games this season with the equivalent of a Howitzer, loaded with budding superstars in several divisions. We discussed how we could locate the mysterious Jake, headmaster of the world famous Barb barns, so that he would allow some of his stellar charges to compete this year. I had a couple that could possibly make some noise, especially now that Eruption had been spared the ultimate gelding experience. And we also had TA's charges and Mo's. We'd just have to find a way to keep them out of the way so that none of us would trip and fall over them.

We continued to make good time on the journey to Raleigh. We actually managed to break Mo's band of mules into a semi-gallop at one point. It was probably the fastest any of them had moved in some time.

Stretch was beaming. "I have to tell you, fellas, Revelation is going to be very, very proud of us. We've made him very happy. This has been a great trip. We did our job and we have done it well. I will spare all your lives now."

"I hope he considers the sacrifices some of us made on this journey," Fats said. "It's not everyday I let a mountain woman have her way with me. But I must admit, hideous as she was, that Snaggletooth was a special sort of girl. Quite talented for a rookie."

We could see the outskirts of the City now. Stretch called out to us. "OK, boys, it's a mile sprint to the City! Let's go!" And with that, we all crouched forward over our mounts and made like it was a real race.

Java Brew and Mo sprinted off to a short early lead. I stayed well outside of him on Just Java Again, fearing that if he figured out how to launch one of his bombs in full stride it would send me catapulting into reverse. TA and Whirlwind stayed in close attendance to me, no small feat for TA since he had dropped his stick and was seemingly guzzling Crown from the Torch Flask at any and every opportunity. Stretch hovered near the back of the pack, keeping company with Husker and Visa whom he was gently cradling in the saddle. Fats brought up the rear clearly uncomfortable with the way the saddle was jostling his sore spot.

Half mile out now. As if on cue, Java Brew started to come back to us. Stretch and his mount started to cut into the lead on the outside. TA was toiling with the Flame in hand. Whirlwind was furiously pumping his arms but getting no response from his Morrissey owned mule. My steed was, as expected, totally empty and I was finished. There's a reason I'm the worst jockey in the Connecticut sim-jockey colony.  Mo pumped away on Java Brew trying to urge another 400 yards out of him. He was, in between his efforts, yelling "Brew, YOU SUCK!" at the mule in a not so inconspicuous way to get Java Brew to fire a bomb at the rest of us and secure the victory, possibly so that he wouldn't stink up the entire eastern seaboard in a fit of pique after yet another loss. Husker and Visa were tangled amongst each other and making up no ground.

We hit the top of the stretch. Only a quarter mile to go. Stretch, hunched over and pushing his mount wildly, yelled out, "The winner gets 1000 credits!" That stimulated all of us cheapos and we really got to driving our mounts home into Raleigh.  Java Brew was digging in gamely and his tail kept rising up but he was unable, with the concentrated effort of running, to apply the big squeeze to his sphincter to release his noxious fumes. TA was finished and had wrapped up on his mount, taking the opportunity to double hand the Flame Flask to his mouth. I had nothing left with Just Java Again. Whirlwind and his mount started to stagger. Stretch was making up no ground on the tiring Java Brew. Fats, unaccustomed to having losing horses associated with him was already standing up in the saddle and screaming, "I was fouled!", which was impossible because nobody was in close enough proximity to foul him. Husker and Visa were nowhere to be found. Finally, Java Brew looked homefree. Morrissey was jubilant and he stood up in the saddle, waving his whip a mere 50 yards from the City of Raleigh line.

And then it happened. Taking off like an animal possessed, the small whitish gray blur suddenly found its best stride. Gobbling up ground with each and every stride, this was one serious racer, laying down a vapor trail in the final strides. The blur collared a shocked Mo some two strides from the wire, surging past Java Brew to capture the victory as we prepared to hand off the Equinics Flame. A stunned Mo was silent. We all wondered aloud how this could have happened. From the back of the pack, we heard the jubilant scream.

"ATTA GIRL, VISA!!!!!THAT'S MY GIRL!!!!! WE WIN!!!!" Husker was beside himself with joy.

Yup. That's right. Del Penn's finest. Beaten in the final strides by Visa the Goat.

We stood in stunned silence. TA relinquished the Flame to the waiting arms of the newest couriers of the Equinics Flame, after, of course, draining the final drop of Crown Royal from it. "I want that back when this whole thing is over," TA growled.

"Well, I'll be damned," Stretch says. "This will be tough to explain to Rev. We got beat by a goat."

How fitting. In the shadows, Mo turned Java Brew around, dismounted and ran. Up went the Brew's tail.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hopefully, the Brew's home styled mushroom cloud will clear by the time the races are run. Equinics 2004 - coming soon to a track near you!

Written by afc
Dateline : July 10, 2004
Wilmington, Delaware

It was yet another long and boring airplane ride to Newcastle Airport in Wilmington yesterday, July 9, arriving at 6 p.m. I flew in from Okie City via a private jet loaned to me by certain unnamed interests in the U.S. government. A long and distinguished career as a "problem solver" for certain government agencies, both here and abroad, leaves me with many markers to call up at my leisure. I was involved with settling some Middle Eastern affairs a mere few years ago during my last Equinics run. None other than my old friend, then retired, now U.S. Secretary of State, Colin Powell, assisted me in my last Equinics assignment but then, that is another story, in the archives perhaps.

I am TheAvenger, well known to many in the sim, probably not well known to newbies of less than 5 years duration here. Well-liked? Well, that is another variable... My assignment this time is to take the Equinics Flame from Delaware Park in Wilmington, Delaware to Philidelphia Park at Bensalem, Pennsylvania, a Northeastern suburb of Philly. What a joke! I have flown 1,400 miles to escort the Flame 46 miles up the road! Seems innocent enough but I learned long ago from my "business" that there is no easy assignment so there must be more to this one day job than meets the eye. Retired or no, I shall be on my toes every second.

An unmarked limo carried me to my lodging at the Wyndham Hotel. (So quaint how they use all the Brit names hereabout.) The driver was obviously an experienced "company" man who made no small talk whatsoever. Upon checking in and opening my room, I found a case of Crown Royal so decently sent me by my good friend George who'd just resigned from a certain high level post in Washington. I rang up the desk for a case of Coca-Cola and a tub of ice, which they promptly brought me.

The bellman asked, "You're having a party, huh?" to which I replied, "Why no, son, it's merely the nighttime of another day".

He gave me an astonished look and walked out with his $20 tip. I then commenced to enjoy Crown and Coke, the elixir of the Gods, until... Uh, I don't remember. I awoke with a start when the phone rang at 9 a.m. Revelation was giving me my wakeup call and figured I had tied one on, which was a no-brainer, since I do every night. My head felt like it had been blasted with a jackhammer as Rev told me to get up and get my arse over to Delaware Park. A creature of duty, I took my usual 6 aspirins, showered, and dressed for the day. I put on my finest tuxedo with a fresh rose on it, of course, slipped on my bowler hat and picked up my walking cane, which no true gentleman would be without. As usual, I strapped on my Walther PPK, the fine pistol that "we" all carry as a matter of course. Ready for action, I had the bellman summon me a cab, climbed in, and was on my way to meet my Maryland Terrapin contact who was bearing the Equinics Flame.

The cabbie dropped me at the Clubhouse entrance and politely thanked me for his rather large tip. The track manager, Robert, met me at the entrance, reminded me that I am a legend, and VIPed me to my private room in the clubhouse.

"Too early for a Crown and Coke, Avenger, he asked?"

"Good Lord, no", I replied. "Bring me a pair of them. Thanks, mate." 

I drank up, waiting for the Maryland runner to show at high noon. Finally, as noon approached, Robert advised me that the Flame runner was near and I should head for the infield. I got up, carrying a drink, and headed for the infield. Hummmm. That sure looks like Topicount playing that fruit (slot) machine over there. One never knows, I suppose.

Once positioned in the infield, the Terrapin Flame runner was at last in sight. Amid crowd cheers, he handed the much coveted Equinics Flame to me and I thanked him for not running the pace of a real tortoise. The track crowd was now on their feet cheering me on as I ran off the property and onto Delaware Avenue. A mere half mile and I ran onto I95 North headed for Philly and Bensalem! What a piece of cake!

The run should take 12-14 hours tops but after a half-hour of running, I am remembering how out of shape pure laziness and Father Time have left me. I hope the planned assistant runners show soon. Suddenly, my cell phone rang and Revelation was on the other end. He said Stretch was not available and I was being ordered to make the run last exactly 24 hours and to show up at Philly Park at high noon on the 11th.

"Blimey, what happened to Stretch, my Philly runner?", I asked.

"He was abducted by a U.F.O., Avenger", Revelation barked.

"Say again?", I asked. "Just what is it you're drinking, Rev?"

"I'm serious, Avenger, deal with it!" Rev yelled.

"Yes sir,"  I responded. Hummmmm. Seen and done stranger, I suppose. Just my bloody luck, running down an interstate highway, sweating profusely and gasping for breath, relief nowhere in sight, and Stretch strangely unavailable. Blastitall!

Just then, a child in a passing car yells, "Look at the man in the clownsuit carrying that fire, mommy!" Grrrrrrrr! That did it! I shoved the long straw I'd brought into my hip flask full of Crown Royal. Ahhhhhhhh! much better.

Morrissey, Whirlwind, and Fatattack finally showed up in the DelPenn motorhome after I'd run on up I95 about 10 more miles. Rest, at last! Mo jumped out and and took over running the Flame, almost making me believe he was really concerned for my health. AFC, oh great Doc, where are you? Whirlwind reminded me that he had had a different assignment.

"Just my bloody luck! Pour me a Crown and Coke, WW!" I begged.

"Pour your own, TA," Whirlwind grinned. "We only have 5 cases on board, so go easy on it," he chuckled.

So many comedians out of work, I swear.

"Have a candybar, Avenger," Catahoula said.

"Thanks, mate!" I saluted him with my fresh drink.

My DelPenn cronies ran with the Flame all through the night and thankfully, I never had to take another turn running. I played the usual Aussie horseraces on the satellite all night. We did get some dirty looks when Mo kept circling a secluded nudist colony, the location of which shall remain classified. Well, we DID need to burn up time, I do suppose. I managed to get through most of the emergency motorhome on-board Crown supply before dawn...
 
We thought noon would never come but finally, at 11:45 we were making our way up to 3001 Street Road, where Philly Park is located. Revelation met us to take the Flame the final mile onto the track infield. He didn't mention Stretch and I was dreadfully worried about him.

At last, here we are; I am staring in sheer, utter disbelief at my old friend Stretch, standing in the infield with a huge-eyed, gray-skinned, 4 foot tall obviously female ET, holding a baby who looked just like Stretch! Crikey! So this was the reason for my assignment! I have known of the Zeta Reticulan visitors for 30 years or more. It was them at Roswell in 1947 from which we have reverse-engineered all of our present technology, which I like calling, aptly, "Roswellian technology". The powers that be wanted me to assess the situation, which I did.

The Flame passed to Stretch and his uh, family. Good Lord, what a series of events!  To the clubhouse mates! I need a drink...the Crown Royal's on me!

Written by TheAvenger
Flame trail With the Delpenn Racers and my Grandma
by Stretch


July 9th , 2004

This is Stretch. I am having a little vacation up here in Fort Erie, Ontario. Canada, I call it "the uppa U.S."
Vacationing with me are my son, and my grandmother. We are having a pretty good time this week at Niagara Falls and getting ready for my next assignment in the Equinic Flame Tour.

At 9 P.M. my cell phone rings and it is Revelation. Revelation has been in the Horse Racing Sim since the beginning. He is managing Delpenn and keeps a lot of rowdy resident stables happy and keeps them in line. He reminds me that I need to get to Philadelphia Park tomorrow at Noon to pick up the Equinics Trail Flame from TheAvenger and get the Flame to Saratoga Park and deliver it to the Grande Mafioso, Bentnose.

I told Revelation not to worry about anything; I will get there. I think it is too much pressure on the guy.

My son and my Grandma will go to Pennsylvania Park as I pick up the Flame.

I took everyone out to have some late night night pepperoni pizza and then back to the hotel to get some rest. We will fly up to Bensalem, Pennsylvania in the morning. We have our own homemade airplane to get around and even my grandmother flies it. That is how we get around so quickly. Grandma doesn't take any stuff off of anybody.

My Grandma and she doesn't take any stuff off of anybody.  Got the controls on me Grandma's Homemade Airplane

Grandmas UFO


July 9th, 2004, Into July 10th, a.m. Nightmare Sleeping

After only 3 hours of sleep I head over to the Niagara River to ride the riverboat. A very nice boat with outdoor seating for about 60 folks. DelPenn guys were all there to ride on the River Boat with me. Morrissey in his t-shirt and shorts was they’re showing off his tattoos. AFC and Fatattack were on the top deck of the boat and drinking a cup of coffee, Fatattack brought a box of dounuts and he may have given one to AFC. RandyRaider was there and stretched his legs out and sat with his boots up on the railing. Jakematt and his wife Barb were smiling to each other and didn't seem to notice anything else. TheAvenger was here walking around the deck and escorting Topicount all around.

People were along the shore of the river and yelled and waved at us. We all waved back to them.

Suddenly I noticed that the boat was getting closer and closer to the falls. My eyes were getting huge as sewer covers. Now I know why all the people on the shore were yelling and waving at us. We are heading to the falls. All the other guys noticed this too and they all stood up and started yelling too because we are heading rapidly to the Niagara Falls. I ran to the boat's control and steering room, I was really scared now.

I walked into the control room and my heart was now pounding like crazy.

A child is working the communications.  At the Controls Childred are at the emergency steering station in
the engine room.

The Emergency Steering Station

...


I am totally freaked out now because the children are running this huge boat. We now hit the Niagara Falls and started to fall straight down. I turned around and two ladies are standing there and screaming at me.

"YOUR NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE, NOW WAKE UP YOU IDIOT". My head is spinning now, and the ladies are Ldyssecret and some fat woman.

"YOUR NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE, NOW WAKE UP YOU IDIOT", they were screaming in my face and in harmony too.

Dropping very fast down the Niagara Falls now.

I wake up screaming and sweat pouring off of my head and my tee shirt was wet. I was still in my bed. My deep breathing, and my blood pressure must be off the shelve now. I should have never ate that pepperoni pizza so late in the evening because I always have nightmares, but this was a wild one.
I have heard people say that if your falling in your nightmare you need to wake up quickly because if you land then you may have a heart attack.

It is 3:00 a.m. so I just laid there and afraid to go back to sleep. What a Nightmare! I am happy it is over, I think.

July 10th, 2004

At 10:00 a.m my hotel phone rang and it was Grandma. She said to get my son and get to the spaceship, I mean the airplane and we will take off for Pennsylvania.

We get all ready to go. I will have my 4x White Beaver hat on with a white shirt and blue jeans. Of course I will have some expensive alligator skin cowboy boots on too. My son likes to watch the old T.V. show Star Trek and he will go to a get-together for Star Trekkers Convention at the Pennsylvania Convention Center and he is wearing some weird clothes for the convention.

We take off for Pennsylvania and have a really decent ride down there. The CIA has given Grandma some landing spots from around the different spots that we can go to, and we will have privacy. We get a taxi into Philadelphia Park and just before noon my son, my Grandma and I get down to the winner's circle where TheAvenger can present us with the EquinicTrail Flame.

We get to the podium for speeches about the Flame. Suddenly I smell 10,000 gallons of Crown Royal in the air. I search over and see TheAvenger trotting along with Revelation. TheAvenger is totally drunker than I have ever seen him before. I start laughing until my stomach hurts. We are long time drinking pals from the days when we go to Lone Star Park and I helped him drink the entire Crown Royal there ever was.

The British Intelligence Officer, TheAvenger, is already toasted by now and it is only 12:00 noon, I always wait until after 12:00 noon before I start drinking and that is my rule.

He has on a tuxedo with a fresh rose on it. He also strapped on a Walter PPK pistol around his belt. He has a Bowler hat on and two straws are coming from underneath the hat that go to his mouth. It must be his flask under the hat. The only problem now is that he forgot to put on his trousers and marched around in a circle. I really think that having a loaded pistol strapped onto a Crown Royal buyer is at least against the law here in Philadelphia but nobody is bothering him.

He stood up on the podium and handed the Flame to me but he tripped and he and the flame were on the ground with the Equinic Flame in his crotch. He was screaming now and got help to stand up.

With the fresh rose on his tuxedo it smells like urine in a rose garden. Sure enough he urinated off of the podium.

The track security, TS, came over and helped him back inside to the Clubhouse out of trouble and headed for more drinks. TheAvenger was raving about my 90 year old Italian Grandma being an Alien and that I was married to an ET. He also stated that my son was an ET Alien. As they hauled him away, I looked around at the crowd in the stands and couldn't say anything. The crowd was now laughing hysterically at TheAvenger.

My son ran off with his friends to an ET convention he was going too and Grandma headed back to the Airplane with the Flame to guard for me. Without any speeches I had to leave because of all the embarrassment and I needed a drink with the Delpenn trainers too. I head to the Clubhouse to find the Delpenn group.

I think that TheAvenger knew that I was born in Roswell, New Mexico in June of 1947. My parents were traveling at the time. I guess that with the Alcohol drowned brain caused TheAvenger built all of that stuff today.

My Italian grandma is very short and is not up to 5 feet tall and is 90 years old.

Two years ago, I believe that TheAvenger is still mad at me because I threw up on his own grandma and wants to take it out on me. I walked up to his grandma and the smell of stale perfume made me sick so I automatically threw up on her. I was one of the last mourners anyway so why does he get mad at me?

Anyway, I want to make an announcement here in the Clubhouse to all of the DelPenn crew here for instructions on what we need to do and meet starting tomorrow. I yelled out "All DelPenn trainers listen up". Then an unknown idiot in the Club said "Shut the Hell Up Back there".

Fatattack, who is a tough guy, jumped up out of his chair and ran up to the stranger's face as I watched. Fatattack says "you got a problem huh? You say one word and I (slap) will (slap) slap (slap) all (slap) the (slap) face (slap) off (slap) you (slap) ". "You got that?"

Now as I was saying "All DelPenn trainers listen up". I stopped and listened. Good, nobody said anything. "All of you come back here early in the morning at 6 a.m. and I will give you the instructions for our trip with the Equinics Flame. Do not bring any vehicles because we will have two Recreational Vehicles dedicated to DelPenn. A free breakfast will be given to you tomorrow here at the Clubhouse.

July 11th.

I get to the Clubhouse early and TheAvenger is sleeping under his table from yesterday. I couldn't wake him up so I got his bottle of Crown Royal and splashed it on his face. Slowly he awakes. "Ah yes, liquid tasty candy. Thank you Stretch." Good morning TA. Sit here and drink your breakfast. After everyone gets here and enjoys their breakfast I will tell you what to do. "RightO my friend".

The crew is here now and all are eating the breakfast. Fatattack has ordered for himself what seemed like 3 orders you would get at Denny's Restaurant. All you can eat. He is at my table and chats about Texas and eats. There are now piles of dirty breakfast dishes all around him. He is chasing a sausage around his plate with his fork and it is starting to remind me of Wild Kingdom with a Lion chasing down its favorite dish of zebra. Fatattack is going to break our budget with this feeding. I can't look at him anymore.

Everyone has finished the breakfast now so here is the plan. We split up into three teams. We will have two RVs. We will have lots of guns and ammo. In one of the RV's we will have Raider, Morrissey, Fattatack, and Revelation. The second RV will have JakeMatt and Barb, Topicount, AFC, and Fallridge. We will have RV #2 carry the torch all the way to Saratoga Springs where I will hand the Flame over to Bentnose. RV #1 will be the guard for the Flame and also to protect all of the trainers. Raider, Morrissey, Fattatack and Revelation , you will find AR15 rifles, hand grenades, and ammo in the closet of the RV. We are protecting in case of any terrorism.

"Wait a minute, you didn't mention me" said TheAvenger. "You are coming with me, and flying with me and Grandma" I told him. We will keep an eye on everything for the route from the sky."

Following me now is TheAvenger. We walk to an area at the edge of town where there is a lot of brush and trees. "What are we doing out here Stretch?" You will see when we get into those trees. We pass into a clearing thru the trees and find the airplane. "I was right Stretch, this is a U.F.O. . Very true indeed Avenger. "How are we going to get into this thing, it is about 7 foot around?"

Just walk into that small door in the front. TheAvenger says "wow when we walk inside here it looks like the size of a football field Stretch". "Yes I know that Avenger, now do not touch any buttons."

At the command room Grandma is sitting at the command table. "Hey, I want to drive this thing" said the Avenger. Grandma whacked him across his forehead with a ravioli rolling pin and the Avenger went straight to the floor. I was looking at him and he was out. "Darn it all Grandma" as I looked up from seeing TheAvenger, Grandma whacked me across my forehead too.

When I finally came too my cell phone was ringing. It was the RV's trying to call me. "We have been calling you for about an hour Stretch" said Revelation. "We got real hungry and decided to stop at a Chinese Restaurant along side of the road " said Rev "but we can't get Fatattack out of the restaurant."

"We will be down there in a minute Rev". TheAvenger was still out cold. Now I had to grab his bottle of Crown Royal and splash it on his face and in his mouth. After a minute I see TheAvenger starting to smile again. "Thanks for the liquid Moon Pie Stretch". No problem Avenger.

So I drank half the bottle myself to get rid of my bad headache.

I told TheAvenger that we need to hurry and get down to the Chinese Restaurant and see what is wrong with Fatattack. "Where is my pistol Stretch?" And "Stretch's Grandma where is the restaurant?" said TheAvenger. "We are flying right over it Slap Face". She hit him good.

"Ok Grandma get us down there and in between the parked RV’s, this could be a hostage terrorist situation".

We get out of the air saucer and told the other trainers to wait here while TheAvenger and I go inside the restaurant and see if we can free Fatattack.

TheAvenger and I snuck into the restaurant thru the back door to the restaurant. "Do those look like dead cats out there Stretch?". "Just shut up TA". We go thru the kitchen door to the restaurant and a big hassle is going on.

The owner and two cooks are standing around Fatattack. "You eat too much, you go home" said the restaurant owner. I yelled over to the owner "What is going on here". He says, "this is an all you can eat Chinese restaurant and that is all we will give him", the cooks want to quit now, and he causes too much work".

"Get out of here Fatattack, we need to get to Saratoga Springs quickly". Fatattack ran out the door and to the RV.

"Wait a minute please" said the owner. "He did not pay us". I gave him the $2.99 plus tax and we got out of there.

Back to the spaceship. We watched the RV's triumphantly travel up the Tollway and to the Spa at Saratoga Springs. Just then something is going wrong down there. I used my cell phone to call Revelation in the RV.

"What's going on Rev"? "There is a pizza truck that just pulled up next us". Rev hollered out to the other trainers, "did anyone here order a pizza?". Rev gets back on the cell phone, "NO, we did not order a pizza, plus the delivery guy is wearing a suit and is carrying a violin suitcase".

"Get us down there fast Grandma". First Grandma fired off a missile right at the Pizza truck and blew it up. Smoke and fire was everywhere.

We get to the ground and I ran up to the RVs. It was Bentnose here to pick up the Equinic Flame.

"Uh, I am sorry about your Pizza Truck Bentnose". He looks at me with a very bad look.

"We will send you the money for the accident Bentnose". "But here is the Equinic Flame". I send Topicount over to him with the Torch. The bad look came off of the Bentnose face and smiled to Topicount.

"Back to the spaceship Avenger". We walked in the spaceship door and Grandma smashed both of our heads with her Ravioli Rolling Pin again. We rested very well knowing that we accomplished our assignments.

And that's the way the story goes and I ain't lying. DelPenn is on its way to the Equinics. Watch for us. Grandma says Hello.

Written by Stretch
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